How to Make a Gay Baby

 

San Francisco     December 2006

Wikipedia definition:  In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, with the primary intent of provoking other users into a desired emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.  Responding to a troll’s provocations is commonly known as ‘feeding the troll’ and is generally discouraged, as it can encourage their disruptive behavior.

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Fa-la-la.

Last night I was out with my girlie Jen B from college; I was her beard for a company Christmas party because her fiance was unavailable.  The party was funereal, so I grabbed the scotch and self medicated a bit.  Much.  On the way back to the city, I clowned her the whole time, asserting that it is against God, nature and all that is holy to have sex during pregnancy.  Obviously this is having sex much too close to the baby, ick, and can have grave repercussions on the future sexual orientation of the child.  Everybody knows this.

This “debate” was so absurd that Jen re-phrased and posted it on Craigslist the next day, positioning it as a legitimate plea for information.  She is my favorite troll.

I awoke to this email, and watched it all unfold.

“Anyway dude, I went to work on a write up for Craigslist about your fucking-while-pregnant phobia, and attributed it to my man.   Then I posted it to the community discussions forum.  Here you go.”

Her actual Craigslist post:

“I am a 35-year-old educated female and am getting married this year. My fiance and I are talking about having kids and are excited to start a family. Here is the problem. When we talked about getting pregnant, I told him how supposedly the woman gets really dog-horny come the second trimester. He said he doesn’t want to have sex during the pregnancy at all because he doesn’t think it is normal to essentially be “hitting the baby”. He thinks it is almost like fucking (excuse the profanity but that is what he said) the developing fetus. He thinks the baby could, quite possibly, become gay this way.

He is a smart guy, I mean, we live in Marin and do really well, but this just seems ridiculous. I explained to him I have a cervix keeping his parts from the little sack holding the baby and that he won’t actually touch the baby.  He doesn’t buy it, thinks the baby boy would be gay and that if was a baby girl, she would be a total slut. I love this man dearly, he is wonderful, but he actually said that.  I’ve waited this long to say yes and I really can’t believe he feels this way.

Then I started wondering… does anyone really know if sex during pregnancy can make people gay? Seems like an old wives tale, but hell, I doubt anyone has actually studied this. I guess it’s possible. Thoughts? I personally don’t care if we end up with a gay baby, but he is worried.”

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Actual Craigslist reactions:

HA HA HAAAAA!!!!! You may be a troll, but this is goddamn funny. I wouldn’t be surprised, actually, that someone would believe this. People can be so incredibly stupid. He needs a crash course in anatomy 101 if he thinks he’s getting anywhere near that fetus, I mean unless he has a foot-long schlong. Tell him if he won’t have sex with you, you’ll go elsewhere to get it, and then the baby will be fatherless because you won’t be married to him anymore…what a freak!

And that thing about it making the baby gay or a slut…that’s the most bizarre theory on why people are gay that I’ve ever heard! First of all, he’s not going to be having sex with the fetus! Second of all, nobody really knows why people are gay, but having sex during pregnancy is NOT one of possibly reasons! Think about it: most pregnancy experts say it’s Ok to have sex during pregnancy and there’s no risk of harm to the fetus, so that means a hell of a lot of people have had sex during pregnancy (especially if pregnant women in the 2nd trimester are horny; most men, when confronted with a horny wife, are going to take advantage of it, pregnancy or no pregnancy), and gay people are a vast minority, so it makes no sense.

Thirdly, what’s wrong with being gay?

Fourthly, how come it doesn’t make boy babies sluts, too? What, only girls can be sluts??

Tell him you found evidence that NOT having sex during pregnancy makes kids drug abusing alcoholic jobless layabouts, see what he says then.

I don’t know this guy, but just from this story he sounds like a) a bigot and b) an idiot. I think the kid’s biggest risk (assuming this is a true story) is going to be having this guy for a dad.

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I don’t know who’s dumber!, your fiance for believing that having sex while the woman is pregnant will make the baby gay (if it’s a boy) or a slut (if it’s a girl) OR you, for believing him. You two should get married, you’re made for each other….but please don’t have children.

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“I mean, we live in Marin and do really well” WTF? Honey, you’re just demonstrating how pretentious most residents of Marin really are. Pretentious and basically clueless. And based on your fiancee’s comments….get ready to spend the rest of your life with a dope.

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“Honey, you’re just demonstrating how pretentious most residents of Marin really are. Pretentious and basically clueless.”

Oh please. Take your issue with Marin outside…this post is not indicative of anything other than someone being young, kinda dumb and naive.

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This is incredibly stupid but, unfortunately, the stupid do live among us. One of my cousins was married to a guy who wouldn’t let their son be *near* anything pink because it would “turn him gay”. Sad but true… This guy’s probably for real.

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C’mon people, stop being mean. This woman has done nothing to insult anyone here on CL, and yet you reply to her post with insults. WTF? Did she ever call anyone here “stupid”? Did she ever attack any of you?

What’s with all these unwarranted insults against her? If you’re really annoyed with her post, then just ignore her. What’s so difficult with that?

If you really feel compelled to reply to her post, then just simply say, “No, I think you’re wrong.” There’s no need to insult her.

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I guess Craig didn’t see the humor –  he yanked the posting from the website after a few days.  Meanwhile, local feminazis roamed the streets with torches, calling for my head.

– Muckraker

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3 Responses to “How to Make a Gay Baby”

  1. Jeri Curl Says:

    That’s some funny shit right there!

  2. Seth Says:

    Well, no, no one attacked her, you idiot, because she was the one asking the stupidest question in mankind. There is no way a baby would be made gay because of sex during pregnancy, and you’re right, any male would definitely take advantage of their woman being horny, because that’s an inevatable stereotype.

    So you dumb idiots saying that she is innocent, and she shouldn’t be bagged on, I only half agree with your lack-of-sense bullcrap only stupid people could come up with. It is true that she is obviously on crack, or just immensly pants-on-head retarded, if she posted this, because she didn’t think she would get picked on for her even more incompetent lack of a husband.

    Third on my mind, those of you who wrote freakin’ book sized posts, shut up and do something better with your lives than rant on an irrational pest, like yourselves, you hobos. Go dig a hole and die in it.

  3. Faith Says:

    Firstly, him thinking he’s going to hit the baby is giving himself too much credit.
    There’s this book called, “what to expect when you’re expecting.” There’s a whole section based on sex during pregnancy.
    Your finance is utterly stupid. I know I couldn’t handle someone as stupid as your finance. Lol.
    I don’t think your finance is wrong. I KNOW your finance is wrong.
    My parents had sex while I was a fetus/baby in womb and I am most certainly not a slut. Neither are my sisters, nor my other female friends. Having a girl who grows up to be a slut is mainly the fathers fault for not teaching his daughter that teen aged boys are horny douche bags. My father was a perfect example on how a man should treat a woman. My husbands parents also had sex during both of my mother-in-laws pregnancy and him and his brother are very straight. If that logic were true the world would population would be declining, not increasing.
    And I don’t even know where Marin is. I guess it’s not that great of place, lol.

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