Put ya ass in the air like ya just don’t care!

July 2006     San Francisco

This paramedic gig is a lot of things: ugly, depressing, sad, vile, dangerous, challenging, rewarding, and an assault on all five senses at once, especially smell. Everything stinks. Sometimes, though, there is a gem like this one that makes it all worthwhile. I almost wish I saw this one myself.

The call came in late one night, “Male, 32, conscious, abdominal distress.” Ok, not much information, whatever, down the batpole and let’s go. The ambulance rolled up to the address, and the fire engine not far behind, to assist if needed.

At the front door was a flamboyant old man in a robe, throwing his hands all around and carrying on in a loud falsetto “Please hurry…my boyfriend… OH!….help him…hurry…please!” The paramedics grabbed their gear, ran upstairs and found the boyfriend, naked, crying, face down, ass up, bent over a couch. With a tail. That of a fish. Coming out of his ass.

Back to Liberace, now in the room. He managed to gush out that it was yes indeed a fish in his boyfriend’s innards, and that he had yes grabbed it out of the freezer, lubed up said fish, and jammed it all the way on up into boy-toy’s rectum.

Imagine trying to hold a straight face while taking this report.

There was no explaining how he thought he would grasp a wet fish by its lubricated tail and wrestle it free. Maybe that was the idea. At any rate, neither of the boyz counted on the fish thawing out and its scales and the spines on the fins rising and holding fast. That fish had started swimming upstream and there was no turning back.

Not much to be done on scene, so the medics had to transport the little mermaid on the gurney face-down and ass in the air as found, weeping, right into the ambulance. But first, on the way down the stairs, as the the gurney rocked and the fish-tail flapped, one of the firemen just had to say it:

“Next time, tell your boyfriend to chew his food better.”

Boy-toy survived, but they had to cut his O-ring completely to rescue the fish. Long-term negative implications expected with that recovery.

The fireman was suspended for one day.

The fish was a foot-long rainbow trout.

Finally, I have collected about a dozen different stories of various foreign bodies, as they are called, lodged in colons and, um, women. Some of the items are downright amazing, but most of them would be simply gross to recount. Still, it is the removal methods which I always find ingenious. The fish tale is the only one which I have enough context to write about, though I’m sure that each insertion scenario and well-lit hospital extraction scene was worthy in its own right.

Oh, alright! Fine! I’ll list just the lodged foreign bodies that I know from reliable first-hand medical sources, but I’m not going to get into whether the patients were male or female.

Pen cap
Gravel
Wooden stick
Bag of coke
Bag of crack
Bag of meth
Pocket change
Miscellaneous fruits and veggies
Personal massager
Cockroach, dead
Doorknob
Potato, sprouting long green shoots (est. time in body cavity two weeks)
Light bulb
Wine bottle
Champagne bottle (fully imbedded. picture that. seriously.)

and finally…..

…a Honda Civic. Dude spasmed his ass whilst self-impaled on the stick-shift and was stuck on it. He managed to shift into first and kept it there while his special friend did the driving to the hospital. The ER staff tented the car in the parking lot and went to work freeing the poor Honda.

Remember what it is for, people!

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